Guts in a knot.

Not feeling physically well on the lead up to the first of two funerals this weekend. Guts are all tied up in knots, and I feel pressure in my chest, and pain 8n my intestines. The glory of having Crohn’s Disease I suppose. Here’s hoping I can keep myself in order throughout the visitation & the service itself.

Then I turn my eyes toward tomorrow ordeal. Atleast in tomorrow’s case I’ll have my entire immediate family with me. I hope there is a park near by. It’s ok though, we will deal with whatever comes up as it happens. I know my kids will need to take a few breaks, and maybe even call it off early. It’ll be a hard time for all of us.

The stress and worry, as well as sadness I feel is taking a physical toll on my body right now. I do not reccomend. Zero stars.

Getting into the headspace I need to function…

At no less than two funerals this weekend. I need to travel a fair bit this afternoon on top of it all too. But as ugly as it is, I will most likely fare better at my friend’s funeral, as she was 42, than say –  her 5 year old daughters. I am not in the appropriate head space for either of these things just yet. I need to wrap my head around revisiting all the grief & pain. Not only of my own, but just how much of it I’ll be witness to from other people. I just know I’ll come away from two days of this with a sore lump of a throat. Although that usually stems from not crying, or trying not to cry which hurts my throat. So maybe I’ll let go and will walk away physical pain free.

Emotionally, yeah that will be a different story entirely. I do have the knowledge that I helped just a bit after the fact, so perhaps I will have the wherewithal to focus on that rather than the fact my friend is dead and gone. It’s a long shot, but I’ll give it a whirl.

So that is what is swirling around in my head right now. Trying to psyche myself up for an emotionally charged couple days. We are bringing the kids to their friend’s funeral. I understand they have an activity center, and there is to be no small coffin, nor open casket. Just an urn and photo collages, and flowers. As the wee one was cremated prior (or will have been so) prior to the event. I can not speak to my friend. I hope not. Open casket that is. I’d prefer to remember her as I knew her.

Happy Thursday to all whom celebrate.

Bad cell service…

For such a great country as we have here in Canada, our cell service sorta sucks if you spend any time right outside the large city centers. Or maybe that’s just me, and my phone carrier. Important calls dropped. Speech cut up into unintelligible chunks. Echoes and buzzing. Gah! Just awful. We need to do something about it. Sharpish.

Taking a mo…

Had friends by for a visit which was a welcome respite from last weeks emotionally charged mad dash to raise funds for a friend’s son. Swimming, chatting, bbq lunch, and even ice creams for everyone. Great to see all the kids laughing and having fun. The sun was out, and it wasn’t boiling hot, so a win for everyone. I was really glad for the mid day interruption. Felt good to focus on something a little different for an afternoon.

In alternate news I haven’t read much of book #15 for ten days or more. I don’t actually remember much of last week. It was a bit of a blur. Heightened emotions washed out what little I remember of any individual day. Funny how that works.

Pretty sure today is Tuesday, not only that but August first to boot. Halfway into the summer break. How wild is that. Chat again tomorrow.

Waiting on the dust to settle.

I’d love to boast about my experiences, but the truth is there are factors out of my control that need to be settled before I’ll feel comfortable reporting on my campaign. I will say it has had a net positive effect.

Hopefully by next week all the details will be ironed flat and I can say more, if I still feel like talking about it. Just know that I am proud of all of you for making it such a resounding success for Erik’s future wellbeing. I cannot thank you all enough for that.

– M

Hell of a week.

Let us just leave it at that then huh? Whoo boy what a freight train of a week. If I didn’t have the fundraiser to sink all of my available time & energy into, I think I would have sat and wallowed in my sorrow. It was good to be busy. A net positive for a horrible situation. I truly believe we have come together to do something great for Erik. And that is all I ever wanted it to be. One sliver of hope in a terrible time in his life.

**BREAK**

In other news, it’s Saturday. This last week has been hot as balls, and humid AF. Doing any work outside has resulted in dripping sweat and sticky clothes. I do not envy outdoor workers, nor miss my time as one of them. This rain is unexpected. My laen is lush and green still which is weird. My yearly trend of yellow brown, tan crispy grass hasn’t turned up yet. Still have to cut the grass once a week. Better than the twice per week it can be in the spring & fall though. Lots of continuous weeding to do in all of the beds too. Be nice if the weeds would take a mid summer hiatus. But no. Still springing up and keeping my hands filthy, and my back sore.

Swimming lessons have begun anew. Kids are upset that they have to swim the whole 30 minutes because the classes are so small. Big feelings from my two. Lots of hot & humidity fueled attitude too. Could do without that. I think much of it stems from being hangry. Kids aren’t fond of eating a breakfast. And then get over tired from swimming, and refuse to believe that their moods are affected by the lack of food and energy in their system. Such fun!

The two funerals are next weekend. Going to be a tough few days leading into the civic holiday. Ciao Bella!

The release of at least one funeral announcement.

** Funeral Announcement for Michelle Bader **

Family and friends are respectfully invited to attend the funeral service for Michelle Bader, which will be held at Skwarchuk Funeral Home at 30 Simcoe Road, Bradford, ON on Friday, August 4th, beginning at 2:00 pm.

** Memory Book Contributions **

I am assembling a memory book to commemorate Michelle Bader’s life and to provide heartfelt messages and memories to her family. A printed copy will be presented to Michelle’s parents at her funeral. Submissions can be made using this link (Google Form):

https://forms.gle/vDaYGVJBQbzcCEFF6

https://gofund.me/2be8e91c

***UPDATE****

** Funeral Announcement for Heidi Bader-Shaw, on behalf of Jarrod Shaw **

Family and friends are respectfully invited to attend the funeral service for Heidi Bader-Shaw which will be held at Low & Low Funeral Home, Uxbridge Chapel, at 23 Main Street South, Uxbridge, ON on Saturday, August 5th. Visitation will be at 1:00 pm, and a service will be held from 2:00 – 3:00 pm. Children are welcome to attend.

Pictured above, Michelle Bader, and Heidi Bader-Shaw.

The Mantra I have to remember…

It’s not about me. Don’t make it about “you”. I can see it clear as day how tantalizing it would be to put yourself at the centre of it all. The attention, engagement, messages, tweets, DM’s, phone calls, and the dopamine hits from watching the counter climb. It’s all very tiring and yet deeply intoxicating. But it’s not about me. Not about me. Stay out of it. Don’t heed the siren’s call. Avoid the rocks yo!

I’ve been quoted in more news articles in the last 48 hours, than the previous 43 years and several months combined. Not about you bro. Stay on track, keep the campaign running but stay in the background. Do the leg work. Build on the ground swell, for Erik. For the scared nine year old whose whole world has just been tipped on its end. Make it count, for Erik.

I have learned a few things, some terrific, others less so, while running this campaign. The best thing I’ve learned is how passionate our community is in providing long term mental health care for a child in need of a helping hand. People are generous, kind and supportive. Love that. Then there are the hangers-on, seeking to build their own personal brand, or networking connections, even a pay-cheque for their efforts to glom on to something that looks as though it could do numbers. That I wasn’t prepared for, but should have been. A tad naive in that respect, that my dear friend, is entirely on me.

There are other things I’ve learned, and am still learning, so I’ll leave it at that for now. Perhaps after the campaign is done, and I get the accumulated funds off to Erik so that he may continue on his long journey to healing I’ll have more to say about my experience. But, it’s not about me. This blog is, mainly just me talking out loud, but you get what I mean.

When we put this campaign together, my wife and I discussed it at length thinking what was the best possible thing we could do, when what you really want to do is not possible. We can’t raise the dead. Sad as that may be. But with a smidge of objectivity, borne out of a distance from the tragedy, and my wife’s working knowledge of therapy costs from working with at risk youth, we felt a longer term approach was the path to take. It ain’t much, but it’s honest work. I’d hope that someone would do the same for my family.

I spoke with various people to ascertain if I was stepping on toes, or competing against wishes or what have you. Once I was given their blessings I just got the ball rolling. Really the bulk of this gift of longer term mental health & wellness comes from you all. I don’t have $12,500.00 to give, so this is a massive community win. I am so glad for the support. My heart swells thinking about what an opportunity this is for Erik in his time of need. Thank you all so much.

https://gofund.me/2be8e91c

Running a GoFundMe campaign

For the surviving child of our family friend. Please go check it out.

https://gofund.me/1b01776a

We are raising money to help cover the out-of-pocket costs for a decades worth of trauma counseling for Erik.

Has Covid mucked with my brain?

Been doing some detail oriented work recently, and am finding lots of unusual mistakes. Stuff that I’m not seeing when in the moment I compare what I’ve done to the brief. Is it a case of myopic tunnel vision where I see what I think it should be, because of my intent to do it correctly, or is the ole brain misfiring as I miss these details even after a lengthy review? Am I rushing, absent minded, or is this a new post Covid symptom I need to keep an eye on? Challenging to say the least.

Perhaps I need to lay off the work, and come back to it for soft proofing to catch these errors. Seems like I need to add some new steps into my process to catch this stuff, and not further embarrass my self. Some food for thought. Atleast I’m not driving distracted, as of yet. A good sign of covid induced brain damage. Or I need to slow down, and go through my work letter by letter as opposed to word by word. Time to reset the proofing stage I guess. Happy Monday everybody!