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Tag: self doubt

The Black Pepper Society.

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Have you ever felt like you used up one of your best ideas too early, for something or someone you later felt didn’t warrant such an epic idea? And as a result feel as though the idea you used didn’t get to reach its potential, and was otherwise stifled? Yeah – I feel that way an awful lot, and it’s most likely not really what’s going on. An idea in your noggin’ is one thing, the execution of said idea to bring it to life in the real world is another. If you don’t execute it with any kind of precision or skill it will feel wasted. But you have to know where that failure lies. Most likely it is with yourself. Rushing to meet a deadline, or procrastination about starting because you later realize the scope of the idea at 100% is well beyond you. That’s your fault. Gotta figure that kind of stuff out with pen & paper before you end up cutting corners, or justifying major changes to suit your available time & skill.

I don’t want to say that I’ve Dunning Kroeger’ed myself in the past, but I surely have. Thinking I’m better than how I actually accomplished a story arc, or character driven story vehicle. Frustrating. Although sometimes I’m in such a rush (read that as panic) to create content to accomplish my writing every day challenge I’ll write whatever is in my head that second, only to realize afterwards, I should have held that thought back to explore it in greater depth. But two or more posts back to back on the same thing seems… lack luster.

But then the Fair comes to town and I write about that four plus days in a row, so maybe I’m just over thinking things again. This isn’t a nationally syndicated column with gravitas and cultural weight attached to it. I’m just some schmoe who tried to write anything he could once a day, for a whole 365 days. That hardly makes me the pinnacle of anything, so the feelings of wasted ideas are silly. Foolish even. Get a god damn grip my boy!

So that is how I woke up feeling at 6:54 am today. Also, had an upset stomach, so that is what really woke me up, and as I laid back down in my toasty bed, I thought about what I wrote late last night, and how I should have saved that post for today. Not to get out of needing to write even more today, but so i could go over it, and expand on points i now feel i should talk about in more depth. But does it need it? Most likely no. It was just a feeling i had. Humans are weird.

I wonder if we’ve secretly had Covid in the last three years, because i feel, ever so slightly, around the edges that I’m getting dumber. Or something akin to that effect. I can’t quite pin point it, but there’s some obscured thing there. Like the boundaries of what i used to know a lot about are fuzzy now, like has my knowledge turned from things i know, into things i ‘think’ that I know? My memory of some things has gotten fuzzy, in the softest sense. Very strange. Forgetful. Losing a word in the middle of a sentence. Or no clue why I came into a room. Misremembered events from a book or movie. It’s not major, but it’s a softly misting haze at the outer edges. Weird. Could it be that I am merely experiencing the regular effects of aging like every body else? Or is it more. Don’t know.

And on that bomb shell shall we say ciao bella!

I’m going to do it, I think I’m going to do it, I want to do it, I think I will do it, I feel like I should do it. I’m… not gonna do it. But, I want to do it. I think I’m going to do it… damn.

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Ah, the endless loop of thinking about making a slightly larger than usual purchase on something for myself. I have been thinking, dreaming, wondering, hoping to learn to play the bass guitar, and now that I have a line on a good used bass amp, and a decently priced slightly above beginner guitar, I feel like I should go and pick them up to make this years long dream a reality. But I’m stressing out about it for some reason.

Probably because it’s a selfish purchase, but on the off chance one of my kids wants to learn an instrument in their teens I have guitars and a bass for them to choose from. Alongside my wife’s clarinet, and our violin, and our keyboard. I hope they decide to pick up an instrument. Hours and hours of fun, and a great way to appreciate personal time, and learn something new. The intrinsic value of picking up new songs is really something special. Playing in a group with like minded friends is also a fantastic experience. I played the trombone in the middle school band, and the orchestra in junior high and it was amazing. Jamming with buddies in high school was wicked as well. Ten stars, do reccomend.

The thing is, I find that when I hit a plateau with guitar playing, I need to shift the focus to a different instrument, and that new way of thinking/executing music teaches me something helpful with my guitar playing, in a round about method. I love to noodle about on my guitar. I love to tickle the ivories on our keyboard, and it all seems to pay off in the end. Plus, ahem. Halfway decent instruments that have been looked after tend to have a 60-70% of retail resale value, if that brand hasn’t exploded in popular culture and doubled, or nearly tripled in price, a la Gibson Les Paul’s, and my random Fender that’s now worth three times what I paid for it. Could also plummet in price too, so don’t take any of this as investment advice ok? Great.

Heading into day three of camp, and so far we’re all smiles and excitement. I have a feeling it’s probably a bit more free wheeling than we might have expected. But last week or summer, we have zero expectations for it, other than our kids remain safe and looked after during the hours of their stay each day. I care not if they choose to focus more on dance, than singing or acting, or if the youngest gets an extra hour to slap paint around with a brush. Like I said, no expectations of new dance routines or a recital of cumulatively learned dance steps. It’s for the best.

In other news the kids gymnastics will start in mid September, so that should be an absolute riot! I think they are gonna love that! Or, conversely hate itvwith every single fiber of their being. Or, third option, my favourite. One will fall in love, and the other will hate it, and we’ll fight every time I have to take them both with me so that one of them can keep doing it, and the other just has to sit for an hour watching the very thing they hated so much. It’s going to be spectacular – for me. I think they have Tae Kwondo to look forward to as well. I wanted jujitsu for the full body usage, grappling and striking. But Tae Kwondo isn’t awful. That’ll help them defend themselves as they get older. Anywho… Ciao Bella !