Whatever combination of sunshine, heat, fun, two or three two hour long swims a day, long walks about the resort village, or the current time change, that it was, it has left me unable to fall asleep at night until about 3:00am or later. I don’t know if being a boring lump whom suddenly Pumps Up the Jam for eight days straight, and then returns home to a quiet life of lumpishness is what’s doing it, or if I have insomnia about my MRI results again, i don’t know. But it is irritating. I’m going to need to find a very physical activity to do here in the cold that saps my strength in a similar way, because my 7:00am wake up for school is going to get ugly fast if i can’t fall asleep until 3:00am, instead of around 10:00pm for the foreseeable future. Can all that vitamin D from the southern Florida sun supe up your internal batteries? I don’t know. Feels like it can. I’m buzzing. Brrrt!
Maybe a vigorous walk around the farm will help temper all this pent up energy. It isn’t like I’m snacking on high sugar treats well into the evening, or pounding sodas to keep me wired awake at night.i don’t drink coffee, or tea, nor espressos or cappuccinos either. If anything I’m taking in more water here than while I was away. Hm. A real conundrum. A puzzle, if you will. I shouldn’t be worried about work projects. I have submitted samples and am waiting on a data sheet. I filed paperwork for the non-profit on time, and I’m in the process of getting my taxes sorted out ahead of April. So those shouldn’t be a factor, atleast not consciously anyway. I’m back in my own bed at night, which I prefer to where I was sleeping in the Keys. My room is a lot darker than the one I stayed in too, so it shouldn’t be a matter of light pollution. Our neighbourhood is pretty tame, so it isn’t a noise issue. I think it’s just energy. I was building up and expending lots of energy when we swam for 90-150 minutes two or three times a day. Plus walks, and beach combing with the kids. I was even riding a fixed gear bike around the resort grounds once or twice.
I absolutely detest the cold so I get pretty sedentary between December 1st, and April 15th, where our weather is just The Worst. I need to figure something out. I know that the heat itself down there does a lot to sap my strength and make me tired. Plus all that fresh sea salt air that can make me tired like it does on the lake at the cottage. Probably a collection of things.
I felt just like this when I had to do both courses of Steroids for my guts. I slept maybe three hours a day, and felt like I could punch a mountain. I got so much done during those eleven weeks. Was also pretty irritable, bordering on angry towards the end of those courses too. Now, I’m not mad, just annoyed at myself for not falling asleep at a reasonable time.
Today is THE day. It’s here. We made it. Hurray! And it looks as though I am going to be busier than originally planned. So I will do a select few notes on the books I read, and enjoyed more than most.
Books on the tall left pile I read cover to cover, and those on the right were only partial reads as of this time.
***I’m still reading both System Collapse, and Lords of Uncreation at this time, I just haven’t finished yet due to travel, and a busier than expected work schedule.
I started the year off with Tom Segura’s book, and enjoyed the hell out of it. Short & sweet, I think I fi wished that in a day and a half. Not very thick, and reads like a funny conversation. The Fart Quest D&D books are always a pleasure to read. Childish and silly with lovely illustrations on many pages. A fun treat for me. Don Winslow’s books are cracker jack popped full of organized crime, murder, gangsters and Danny Ryan. Fast paced, exciting and I can’t wait to read the third and final installment. The Steel Remains was entertaining. I did at one point look into buying more of the series as I like Richard Morgan‘s work. I read two of his books this year, along with Mo Hayder, and Adrian Tchaikovsky too. I read an entire trilogy of a new to me author very early on this year, and it was decent. Had a lot of SA, and physical abuse of kids in it which I didn’t care for, but the writing was good. Those were written by N.K. Jemison.
All told I read 15 books cover to cover, and another 4 books were partial reads of 1/4 to 1/3 of the book in question. So I hit my 12 books in 12 months reading goal. I slowed right down as of September as I got busier with work, as I knew I would. I front end loaded the year pretty heavily to make up for my waning attention, and increased work schedule.
Also for this year in review I didn’t do anywhere near as much sculpting, wood working, or model building. I did one or two items in each category, but I don’t think I finished much. Perhaps next year. I did use my airbrush a fair bit this year to paint old sculpts, and board game pieces. That was a lot of repetition, but also fun to do.
No short stories were written that I can think of this year either. At least nothing comes to mind. I should check the website closer to New Year’s Eve for the official word count for the year. I do not believe that it will even come close to 100,000 words for the year. I just didn’t have that much jam this year. Also I don’t think I made any real progress on my illustrated children’s book either. Was just too busy during what is typically an 11 week long slow period. It was all go-go-go!
We had Covid in march of 2023 and that caused a 90 day reprieve on my exercise regimen to try and avoid long Covid symptoms. Also meant that my weight has remained in the 205-209lbs range for the majority of this year. I swam a lot, but did not ride my bike much, nor run, nor skateboard like I had hoped. I do need to sort something out on that front as I am unhappy with my current pear shape. I could do with being about 175lbs and reduce the belly by a wide margin. Eating and exercise. Simple solution, but oh so hard to implement. Ha. Habits to be build and enforced, just like the writing.
Big question looms. Do we go for a year three of the writing streak, or go until we forget or have more pressing matters to concern ourselves with? If I have another obsessive compulsive year of writing this blog then so be it. I’d blow a kazoo to celebrate if I could. Pfft! W00t-w00t!
Other things to reflect upon? Hmm. Great family vacation to Florida this year. Hadn’t gone anywhere since 2018 so we packed up and flew to Tampa, and then spent a week in Orlando/Kissimmee area. Did three theme parks for 11 of our 14 day trip. One beach day in Clearwater, and one visit to Disney Springs outdoor shopping centre. It was sweltering in Tampa, and rainy and 73°F in Orlando. Not too shabby. Warm enough to swim in the rain, or sit in the hot tub unbothered by it all. We essentially gave the month of November a miss by going away mid month. Strange, but very effective.
Great grandma is alive and kicking, heading towards her 96th birthday in January. Uncle Fred is still in the hospital trying to recoup enough to do another week of 3 Chemo treatments in a row. Otherwise we had the kids pick up a missed immunization that the Ministry notified us of, though they were way off with our youngest. Bit of a mix up there. I picked up a Tetanus shot as I have zero recollection of the last one I ever had. Was probably in high school, if not grade school before that. Good to have as I work with reclaimed wood and pull rusted nails every so often. Better safe than sorry.
I was busier with more work from fewer clients this year. The two micro breweries I usually get work from were very quiet this year. Perhaps in 2024? Maybe. My three biggest clients all did more work this year than usual. Well, two of three did lots more. Not going to complain about that! I lost one client to an acquisition to a large conglomerate that had it’s own in-house design team. No harm no foul there. Win some, lose some. Hard to complain when other clients pick up the slack and then some.
I’m sure more happened that I will remember in a couple of hours time. But that’s the gist of my year. Kids got bigger. Moved up in grades. Homework and extracurriculars abound. Taekwondo, dance, gymnastics, girl guides, and soon Ringette too. We’ve been busy if not over scheduled for children’s programming. Can’t say they didn’t get the chance to try lots of things.
New water softner, fixed water heater valve, and a fridge freezer we no longer use in order to keep the fridge running smoothly. Some how the AC unit has kept chugging along. We will see if that luck continues into 2024. I do see a new fridge in our futures if im being honest.
It’s currently raining, in late January, in Southern Ontario, Canada. That’s absurd. It should do only one of a few things at this point in the winter season; snow, freezing rain, icy cold wind, or dead calm and sunny but still be cold. Not get up into the positive temperatures and rain. I’d expect this leading into Mid March and April, but not now. Not that I cared for the polar vortex and those insane low temps, but this is just as bad. Need a sustained cold to kill off all those extra bugs we don’t want around here, and to keep snakes and shit away.
Friday is here, you’ve made it through yet another week. I have at least two more weeks with appointment shuffles to do for the kids, and myself included. By then it will be February, and the red/pink lead up to Valentine’s Day. Yes! Little more than two weeks away. Chocolates and stuffed toys, flowers and such to flood the market place. Great thing is all of that will be super cheap come the 15th. Wait a day and get 25-50% off face value. Love it.
Given that I can’t get a weeks groceries for less than $200.00 any more, I think those savings on the extras are worth my while to wait for. I spend about $1,000.00 on food for the month roughly, for us four, and my kids don’t eat all that much (according to their school lunches that come home 60% full each day). Milk, juice, juice boxes, and snacks run through our fingers like water. Laundry soap and toilet paper are an investment to make these days. Wowzers. Need vitamins? $20.00 or the better part there of, easily. We aren’t poor, and I’m not broke, but god damn I feel bad for folks whom were struggling before. This shit is crazy. Don’t get me started.
Had a good wander around the shops yesterday. My day was off anyway, with a sick wife, youngest who couldn’t sleep and woke me up at 4:00am, and kept me awake until just after 5:00am. Then we had a later start, doctor appointments, late school drop off, and a grocery shop. I took an extra 45 mins to just wander around looking at pajamas, tools, and movies still available as physical media. By the time I got home, un packed the shopping, made & ate lunch, did some paid work, it was time to go get the kids – again. Then off to night time sports with the oldest. It was calming to come home afterwards though. I ended up making grilled cheese sandwiches, and watching the animated Addams Family movie until I put the kids to bed. I was in bed asleep by 9:30pm last night. I could have gone to bed at 7 if I’d of had the chance. I have a huge capacity for sleep. Probably stems from years of dealing with fatigue. Though sleeping with fatigue doesn’t help all that much either. Nothing like waking up feeling more tired, and not feeling rested and utterly exhausted. Like going to bed with your body battery being on 3%, and waking up eight plus hours later feeling like you’re at 1% and falling. Don’t miss those days at all. Too tired to sleep. Awful. Just awful feeling. I spent my later teen years like that, for months on end at a time.
But enough about me, how are you all doing out there in Candy-Land? Moving your pieces strategically or just taking a roll of the dice and pushing forward, sideways, backwards as the roll dictates? Strange times. Yo, when do the masses rise up and eat the rich? I hear those 1% folks are building bunkers and safe havens. I guess they know something we don’t. Until next time.
In a time of chaos and panic, or when you are just starting to find yourself feeling a little off, is taking a quiet moment to close your eyes and lean your heated forehead against a cold pane of glass and shut your eyes for a second or two. It’s brief, but aren’t most of our adult moments of splendor brief and fleeting. That momentary flash of cool across your brow, and perhaps also your cheeks and nose. The calming blackness from your closed eyes, the fading out of the background noise from your life. Taking in one, or two rich, full breaths. Then leaning back and carrying on with your day, evening, nights activities. Stay sane out there. Try to stay healthy if you can.
To write thirty one times in the month of January. I was not expecting that to happen, at all. I had high hopes for perhaps, seven to ten written pieces, but thirty one!?! No, no chance.
Work is starting to gather at the edges, so I won’t be going all out this month, but if some creative thoughts come to me, I do hope I’ll put pen to paper, as it were.
Thanks to those who read my micro short stories. My favourite three are intertwined and tell the same continued story. Big fan of space, isolation, revenge, and loneliness. In case my writing doesn’t tell you that, I’m telling you that now.
Hope to see you around here over the rest of 2020, and beyond. The flu was generally awful, I don’t reccomend it to anyone, if they can help it.
Out there for you, and there is very little in the way of what I might offer you to assuage that.” It says in its usual cold, crisp,voice. I adjust the control panel to bring the voice down to some velvety, dulcet tones. Always so very soft and measured in my ear. Seemingly coming from the center of my own head. Standing still in the dark room, my nose pressed up to the cold rain patterned glass, I can see pin lights and movement below stretching out for miles. A vast wasteland of a city whose name I have long forgotten, splays out below. Partially hidden behind fog, haze or low cloud cover of an orange tint. I’ve been told that I am approximately two hundred floors up and that I live in a pristine, hermetically sealed glass coffin. It has all the very best someone of my peculiar talents might ever need or require. I have been told I’m a once in a lifetime creation. A synthesis of pure artistic expression made human-ish. I produce all of the best music available to the incredibly wealthy, and for that they lavish more than just praise upon me. Far more than that. I am gifted with the knowledge that they will never let me die. As long as I am able to produce, my well being and every creative whim will be indulged. Outside the glass floor to ceiling windows is a lifetime of stark contrast for everyone else.
Pacing about my rooms, I’ve a well worn path that I take, passed rows and banks of instrumentation, blinking lights, nodes, dials, and keys. The mixed and pulsing syncopation of modulators, saw tooth effects, phlanges and signal boosters and interrupters is a familiar beat in my life all their own. I’ve used my own heart beating in more arrangements than I care to think about. The light is dim, I love the ambient glow of my technology more than any incandescent, phosphorescent or led bulb that I’ve ever found available. The walls are glass, with finger prints and streaks from disinfectant cleaners. The air in here is clean, but stringent. I’m an ardent tapper, on each and every surface, keeping time with the melodies and transitions that occupy my life. The poor, miserable bots can’t keep up, and their ticking, and clicking has been known to interrupt my flow. I only allow them in with me while my files are compiling or I am asleep. They creep and crawl over the glass like blind mechanical spiders, spritz and wipe, spritz and wipe, incessantly.
I don’t get many visitors up here. For the most part I enjoy it that way. But my patrons found a few unexpected scars on my wrists several years ago, and opted to provide me with Kenneth. He stood for something, but I have long forgotten what that was. He’s a node in my brain and he’s tied to a medical system buried elsewhere in the building, constantly monitoring me and my well being. Roi and all that, you know. A lack of mortality when so much of it is available comes at a cost, whether you care to pay it or not.
“What seems to be the trouble tonight Michael? You seem stressed out, do you require medical attention. Shall I have a med bay suite set up for you to retire to this evening…” Kenneth is right there. If I close my eyes I can imagine him standing only a few inches away, the softness of those words, like a baby’s breath on the back of my left ear. But Kenneth is not here, he’s an implant. Come to think of it, beyond our conversations together, I haven’t seen, nor heard from anyone else in ages. Wouldn’t matter if I had. I have extra bones and organs and all manner of wonderous things available in the med bay suites. All automated. All given freely, though, with no chance to refuse. “No need Kenneth, I am simply trying to brainstorm the next big thing to broadcast to my/our hungry fans… looking at them all down there, like colorful ants, many miles removed gives me a renewed sense of wonder. Rain on the windows, winds on the glass. The offbeat twinkle of lights in the late night darkness. It feeds me. It…” I trail off, as I am want to do. I can feel something. Inspiration.
“I don’t know how you do it Michael, but I fear it must be a cold and lonely existence for you here.”
Scott. Put down the controller, take off the head set, and talk to me. God. You’re a big fucking man child. No! No, don’t you dare put that head set back on. Fuck you Scott, Fuck. You.” I’m standing in the doorway to the den, the walls to this windowless room are covered in old creased band posters, and framed sports memorabilia. The room is cluttered with comic books, action figures and empty beer cans. It smells like a gym sock, mixed with a cheap dive bar. I’m surprised there’s no stripper pole in there. The vents are always shut, and he can never be bothered to vacuum. The old dull grey carpet feels gritty underfoot.
“Huh? What’s that? Oh, oh, hey hold up. Sorry fellas…” he’s so calm, talking to his buddies through his head set, getting off the line, logging out as slowly as fucking possible. I can feel my pulse begin to rise. “Baby, babe! Yo… you ok, what’s goin’ on now?” He’s trying me, good god, lord above he’s trying out his, Hi I’m this super charming guy, voice on me. I could just slap him. My blood is pumping, and I’m not in the mood for this frat boy, laid back bullshit. “You know damn well what’s up. You man child! You fucking man baby! Look at all this shit, toys?, Scott really?, you got children’s toys in here. Comic books, toys, video games and fucking model kits. What. The. Fuck!” I clap my hands to punctuate each word. I turn from the doorway, and storm down the hall. It’s the longest stretch of our apartment, it makes for wonderful dramatic effect. I know he’s watching my ass as I storm away. I know it, and I’ll use it against him.
“This again, christ all mighty baby, you gonna do me like that, here? now!” He’s storming down the hall behind me, all one hundred eighty five pounds of him, he is chiseled like marble. He stops outside of arms reach. I can hear his breath coming faster. I can see spittle flecked on his lips as he gets going. “No, no Cheryl, not here. I told you I have to keep things stress free here. You know how bad work gets! You know. You KNOW!” His voice is quavering, and starts to take on a pleading tone. “No, you know what baby, you don’t know. No, don’t shake your finger at me. You want to know what I did yesterday. Do you, do you want to know?” He steps in close to me, I can see it in the whites of his hazel brown eyes, he ain’t going to hold back, he’s going to drop some hot scathing truth in my lap, and I’ll feel both intense love for him for it, and I’ll absolutely hate that I can’t even comprehend it. “Do you want to know what I came across yesterday, at werk!… I came across a mini van, with three kids in the back with their heads cut off at the base of the jaw…”. “Baby, God no, no… don’t say it Honey… please.” I’m pulled into his arms but the dam has broken and he’s not going to stop until it’s burned permanently into my heart. Like surgery done with an ice pick and a blow torch. “Seems the parents were junkies, love doing smack. But what they don’t know is, is that shit got fentanyl in it. Wife was driving, she’s dead as soon as the plunger drops the load in her veins, hot and thick. She couldn’t even pull off the road she was so hot for a quick taste. Crosses through the median, under an oncoming truck full of steel pipes. BAM. bitch, cut those sweet little Angel’s heads right off they necks… they wasn’t even in fucking car seats. Those kids was loose. LOOSE!” I can feel the room start to spin around us. He’s holding onto me just as hard as I hold onto him for support. We collapse together, a puddle of anger, loathing and despair. I think the floor might open up and swallow us whole. Before I can even lean in to stroke his hair, his pager is buzzing on the kitchen counter. Like a shot, he’s up and out the door. I hear something, but it is muffled by the closing door. I can’t make out what it was.
“Well, Cheryl I’m so sorry to hear of your husband’s passing. At least you told him you love him as he left for work that day. Few of us get the chance. It’s not like you two had a fight that day. I mean jesus, could you imagine?” She leans in towards me. “I hear Janis and Robert had a real banger the day he died. It’s eating her alive. But not us. No, we spent the last moments with our noble hunks in the throes of passion.” She’s smiling at me over her wine glass. The red wine must be good, it leaves a slight film on the glass every time she gesticulates with her hands. She smells of flowery perfume, and cigarette smoke. I look through her, to the open bay window beyond. Outside children can be heard playing. They’re laughing, and giggling. “Yeah… at least I have that.”
And it’s all over her bed sheets, her carpet, down the hall and seeping into the heating vents by the toilet.” With fuzzy, light blinded eyes I catch a glimpse of my wife walking back up the stairs from the landing. Pulling my sheets back, I feel the bracing chill of the late night air in my room. “God damn!” I blurt out as I step down, bare footed on the cold vinyl flooring, it feels like I’m standing on a sheet of ice. Lumbering half awake, I come to the stairs. My legs not yet functioning, my ankles creaking along with the old steps. Rubbing my hands on my thighs, feeling the fleece of my pants against my palms. Flexing my fingers, I mount the last few steps. Coming to the main floor I’m hit with the stench of it all. From the bathroom I can hear my daughter weeping, my wife a gentle murmur in the distance. I can hear snippets of their conversations…”No, no baby, you’re not in trouble, it’s ok, don’t cry, I know, I know.” There is a flurry of activity as my wife strips off the soiled pajamas and lays down towels to soak up some of the mess. I turn down the hallway, and grab a mop and bucket. I squeeze out some lemon scented soap and I can feel the steam from the hot water. The vapour is condensing on the cold window over the sink, rivulets of water pooling at the base of the sill. I pull down some paper towels, and grab an old plastic bag from a drawer. It’s sticky, and has an old crumpled up receipt in it, something that was beige had been in this bag.
“You two go curl up in bed, I’ve got you some water to drink, and I’ll strip off your bed after I wash the floors.” It’s the same script as before. We’ve done it so many times, I can move through the motions without having to think about it anymore. Afterwards I’ll fall asleep on the floor of my daughter’s room. I crash about, like a drunk searching for a full bottle among all of the empties strewn about the house. The smell is what gets me, never the sight of it. How can so much come out of such a small child. Looks the same, regardless of the end it originated.
After a time, I notice there is a sliver of light in the master bedroom, standing in the hall I can hear softly spoken words, lilting in a sing song fashion. Sarah is falling asleep in my wife’s tired arms. They are sharing a pillow as they cuddle. I can see sweat on my daughters brow. “This fever just won’t fucking break”. I say it aloud, but quietly, to myself. I need to grab more pain meds from the drugstore tomorrow. Turning from the doorway, I shut off the lights, and I collapse onto a pile of stuffed animals. Everything goes black.
That didn’t take long now did it, ha. A few new projects turned up in my inbox and after my daughters play group, and a stint out shopping for groceries, I’m back into the thick of it. Just the kick in the pants I needed to not feel so… well, lost – ish? More like, left to languish in a soft spot between projects and work responsibilities. Floating around with no definite need to really go and get anything concrete done, seems to fit the bill. Although now that I have some deadlines listed in my day planner, I feel a bit more like myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a champ when it comes to vegging out, and “doing nothing“. I can fill up the better part of a day with “doing nothing“. No I can’t help you out, or go do something, I’m in the middle of doing nothing. That’s it, that’s the thing. Or now you’d say, that’s it, that’s the tweet. #DoingNothing . But to have a steady work flow that isn’t too manic, or lax is my sweet spot. I love to have work on the go, but with time in between to sculpt, or build model kits, or noodle about on my guitar. Hell, this year I’ll even add starting and completing a children’s book for/about my daughters.
I think my days of working through one hundred plus items per week, for years and years have come to an end. The physical toll, on my wrists, my eye sight, and my general mental state means I’m not exactly itching to go back to that. Working freelance, while it does entail some last minute ditch attempts to get stuff out with insane time lines, usually leaves me with more than enough time to plan out and execute projects with a buffer of time so I’m not run down to the bone.
Oh yeah, I did manage to get to that crazy ass junk drawer yesterday, so I’m having a very productive 2020, for small daily wins. Plus I’m keeping the house just a tiny bit cleaner, and realizing where all of those weird odds and ends have gotten to. It isn’t much, but it’s honest work, as the meme states. Do you find yourself accomplishing the tasks you set out for yourselves, or have you settled back into the usual all ready? For what it’s worth, I’m still drinking plain water every day, I’m not crazy and haven’t gone to only water, but I’ve added it into the mix of beverages I’ll regularly reach for throughout the day, and I think that moderation is key. Same with making a conscience effort to make small, or incremental life style alterations to my day to day habits. Adjust a portion size here, reach for a glass of water there, take some stairs, walk to a store once more than I usually would. Nothing major, and not making myself crazy about it either way. Having to pee several more times per day is not much fun, but clearer skin, fewer headaches, and more regularity are worth a couple added pit stops over the course of my whole day.
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